“Why in the world would you announce your miscarriage?”

The question I know many of you may be thinking.

(If you haven’t already read our miscarriage story and would like to, you can read it here.)

Most of us women follow the general rule of thumb, right? Waiting to announce a pregnancy until around 12 weeks along – and for good reason. I followed this rule with both of my pregnancies, and when I miscarried our second baby, I got a first hand look at WHY this rule exists. Who the heck wants to share their wonderful news with the world, just to turn around and retract it? When you’re physically and emotionally living through a nightmare, who wants to be constantly reminded of it each time a friend or family member asks how your pregnancy is going? Although those people mean well, little do they know, they’re just rubbing salt in a wound.

So I followed the rule. I zipped my lips shut and kept our baby news under wraps.

The thing they don’t tell you about keeping such a big secret is…… when your heart completely shatters, it’s the heaviest load to bear.

There’s no “right” way to handle this fragile situation. The only right thing to do, is to do what’s best for YOU and your healing process.

So here it is……

My 3 Biggest Reasons For Breaking My Silence:

1. To help myself accept our loss and move forward

Somewhere along the way I learned that talking about it was hard, but NOT talking about it was much harder.

In the beginning I was ashamed. Embarrassed, like my body had failed our family. I was terrified that it was my fault and I racked my brain wondering what I could have done differently. I was crushed, and somewhat traumatized to be honest. It was something I wouldn’t wish on my worst enemy. I missed our baby so badly and spent the majority of my days crying. The last thing I wanted to do was tell people about it.

I was in such a lonely place. Probably the darkest and loneliest place I’ve ever been. Each night I’d find myself awake until 2:00am, sobbing and searching “miscarriage” on Pinterest. Listening to the same songs on repeat and diving deep into the BabyCenter community in search of stories like mine, and ways to cope. I felt broken. Our baby was all I could think about.

I eventually found myself wanting to scream to the world, “I HAD A MISCARRIAGE!!!!”

My secret was weighing me down and it was ready to burst out of me at any given moment. I couldn’t just pretend like it didn’t happen. I couldn’t just act like our baby didn’t exist.

I’ve never been good at masking my feelings. For the most part, I’ve always been an open book……….. why close it now?

So I chose to speak out….

I hoped that being transparent and putting my story into words would help my heart heal and allow myself to move forward.

 

2. To help other women know what to expect, and know they’re not alone

So for a quick recap (or if you haven’t read our miscarriage story)

RECAP: [During our first ultrasound, we received news that our baby was underdeveloped. I was 9 weeks pregnant, and our baby was only measuring 6 weeks along. Despite this terrifying news, our baby still had a heartbeat! While my nurse and husband put on a brave face and remained hopeful…. I knew something wasn’t right. I knew better than to get my hopes up.

I left our appointment feeling hopeless, afraid, and completely confused. I found myself living a nightmare. Our tiny baby was on borrowed time. My nurse practitioner urged me to stay positive and “see what happens,” instead of preparing me for the worst….. like she should have. I didn’t know a single thing about miscarriage. I was so emotionally unprepared for what was to come.]

My mom never had a miscarriage. My grandma never had a miscarriage. I didn’t know anyone close to me that’s ever experienced miscarriage! (Or so I thought.) I had no idea who to turn to or what to make of the little information that I had…. so I googled.

I googled and discovered that miscarriage is so much more common than I’d ever imagined. 1 in 4 pregnancies end in miscarriage. 1 IN 4!!! Although that didn’t make it any better….. I found comfort in knowing, I’m not alone.

So I chose to speak out….

Miscarriage grief shouldn’t feel isolating.

Despite the statistics, it’s not easy to find women who’ve chosen to share their experience. It’s not easy to find the person with the symptoms, timeline, or story that matches yours. If my story could just help, prepare, or relate to even one woman out there that knows this kind of pain, or is in the terrible process of their own loss…… then that’s enough for me. That’s enough to make being vulnerable and sharing my story worth it.

 

3. To honor my baby

I wanted people to understand. Understand the impact a miscarriage can have on someone. Understand how ugly the face of miscarriage truly is. More importantly, I wanted them to know my baby existed.

I wanted the world to know my baby matters.

“I’ve lost a child, I hear myself say,
And the person I’m talking to just turns away.
Now why did I tell them, I don’t understand.
It wasn’t for sympathy or to get a helping hand.
I just want them to know I’ve lost something dear,
I want them to know my child was here.
My child left something behind which no one can see,
So if I’ve upset you, I’m sorry as can be.
You’ll have to forgive me, I could not resist.
I just want you to know that my child did exist.”
– Unknown

ALL of our babies matter. Regardless of how many weeks gestation they are.

One of my biggest fears tied to sharing my story, was people judging me and belittling my loss. Belittling my baby. “At least it happened early,” people may say. Yes, I had an early miscarriage. But I was 100% pregnant….. and I feel 100% of the grief.

As a mother, the moment you find out there’s a tiny baby forming within you, a switch flips. You are that baby’s mama from the very first glimpse of those two pink lines. Whether your baby is the size of a grape, avocado, eggplant, or pumpkin….. you already harbor an unconditional love and a responsibility to protect that child.

After the loss of our baby, I began to harbor something else too…… the need to honor our baby.

So I chose to speak out.

“I never got to hold you,
or bounce you on my lap.
I never got to read to you,
or watch you as you nap.
You slipped away so quickly,
before I said your name.
And I want the world to know,
I loved you just the same.”
-A Peterson

God put it on my heart to talk about it.
To share my story and my baby with the world.
If you feel that need to talk about your baby, don’t be afraid to do so.
We’re all sisters in loss, and you have more than you may think♡

 

XO,